The Marriage Effect

The state of marriage in our country and throughout much of the world is atrocious. Marriage has very little value or meaning to many people. It is becoming more common for couples to forgo the formality of a formal union, content to live together without ever getting married. Others, while married, do not practice monogamy and most disturbing of all, a good percentage of the population uses divorce as the panacea for their relationship problems. Why do people willingly enter into a contract "till death do us part" when they don't really mean it? Why is it so easy to get divorced? The permanent effect on the family unit, the children and society does not justify the means.

Human beings feel an intense need to connect with others and feel loved. We are genetically predisposed to these attachments. Even people in abusive or bad relationships will suffer emotional distress from a separation. Studies have shown that married couples are 50% more likely to consider themselves happy than their non-married and divorced counterparts (Inglehart, 1990). While some may posit that it's against our evolutionary disposition to be monogamous, stating that men are designed to relate to as many females as possible to propagate as many offspring as possible, science has proven that we are at our happiest when we are monogamous.

Marriage is viewed by the authority of the state as a contract. It is a binding legal union between two people. The reasons for founding a union of marriage are varied, they may include: love, sex, economic stability, cultural expectations, obtaining citizenship and raising a family. Marriage provides many benefits both emotionally and physically to people who join its ranks.

Despite a population increase of 2.9 million people between 2004-2005, there were 49,000 less marriages in the latter. Why is this? It has become culturally acceptable to live with someone before marrying them. There are 5.5 million people living together without being married. Many children of divorced parents believe that if they don't get married, they won't have to suffer the pains of divorce should the relationship end. Still others are concerned with giving up their "freedom". What these people fail to realize is that they do not have to perpetuate the mistakes of others and that through true self-analysis and awareness in a relationship and ensuing marriage, they can be happier together, than alone.

It has become routine fodder to treat the engaged man as one walking the last mile on Death Row or to joke about the beautiful bride who will, by virtue of a wedding ceremony become an overweight, nagging monster, refusing to sexually satisfy her husband. This treatment of the subject of marriage, even in joking, can temper the general populations positive feelings about marriage.

The average first marriage is just over seven years long, but the reasons that most marriages fail are not collected in the form of statistics. Rarely, in the case of divorce is the actual cause of divorce listed. (Can you believe that a marriage could be dissolved for no certifiable reason?) However, most psychiatrists will say that the top five causes of divorce are: poor communication, financial problems, lack of commitment, change in priorities and infidelity. All of these reasons are not only preventable, they are reconcilable! Only 5% of married couples will celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. This five percent that has survived the years did not have a radically different experience than most married couples. They went through the same arguments, disagreements, financial problems and personal changes, the only difference is that the couple that celebrates 50 years together, chooses to work out their issues together.

Many children are living in single parent homes, greater than one in four. One in four children that are more likely to have emotional problems, aggression issues, lack of responsibility and difficulty adjusting. (Temke) The children of divorced parents will be more likely to become divorced parents themselves. When faced with the damaging effects that divorce can have on a child, it seems that even being in a personally dissatisfying relationship would be beneficial to the future generation.

Successful marriages are built on religious and idealistic similarities, honesty, empathy, love, forgiveness, humility, genuine concern for the well being of your spouse, similar priorities, friendship, and similar goals. Many religions mandate relationship classes prior to the officiating of a wedding ceremony. This seems like a wonderful ideal, though in practice, the statistics are not pleasing and divorce is still common. What can the United States, and the world do to decrease the rate of divorce?

Perhaps it would be wise to institute a relationship course alongside sexual education in high school. At a young age, we begin teaching children about the mysterious nature of their sex drives, yet we neglect to share with them their emotional drives and how to achieve those desires in a satisfying, uplifting way. As Theodore Burton said:

"To marry a person you have known only a short time is most unwise. That person's faith as well as your own faith first needs to be tested. Is that person honest and reliable in keeping his or her commitments? This is an important question in marriage, for to be trusted is greater than to be loved...Another cause of unhappiness in marriage is immaturity. When people marry too young, they are not prepared physically, mentally, or financially for the strains of marriage. As children are added to the family, the duties and responsibilities of parenthood bear down on the marriage partners. Faced with these kinds of pressure, a young couple soon finds that even professed love, physical attraction and romantic inclination do not provide the necessary income to live on, the nourishing meals, and the resources for responding to emergencies. One thing I have noticed in studying numerous cases is that divorce seldom solves marriage problems. The heartbreak that comes from the break-up of a family is one of the greatest tragedies of our modern world. Children of divorced parents often become so resentful that they enter adulthood bitter and unhappy. When it comes time for them to marry, their chances for a successful marriage are frequently handicapped by their memories of the difficulties, quarrels, and hurts they saw in their parents' marriages." (Burton 12)

It seems that the pervasive philosophy of "when the going gets tough, the tough get going" is actually an indication of weakness, not strength. It's easy to run away from a marriage, it's much harder to analyze the issues and work towards correcting them, especially if those issues require personal reflection. It may seem that the grass is greener on the other side, however, the problems that break-up one marriage can be sure to break up another if not solved the first time.

I view the current divorce rate as one of the great downfalls of our society. The breakdown of the family unit is directly responsible for many of the ills that befall our country and our world. If people were truly educated about how their behavior, actions and choices affect others, they might be less inclined to follow selfish motives. If society, as a whole, preserved the emotional health of its children, the way we preserve the financial wealth of our material possessions, we would be living in a very different world, with much happier inhabitants. Our children deserve the right to be happy, to be loved and to feel safe in their family environment. Children are born into a situation over which they have no control and are destined to be the visual embodiment of the success of our ability to maintain relationships, strengthen partnerships and retain marriages.

Works Cited

Burton, Theodore M. "A Marriage to Last through Eternity." Ensign June 1987: 12
Inglehart, R. "Culture Shift in Advanced Industrial Society." Princeton University Press
(1990) 132,364,446, B-1, B-2
Making Marriage Last. 22 July 2008. American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.
http://www.divorceform.org/cau.html
Masci, David. "Future of Marriage: Is Traditional Matrimony Going Out of Style." CQ Researcher Online. Volume 14 Issue 17 May 7 2004. April 4 2010. http://0-library.cqpress.com.library.sjeccd.edu/cqresearcher/document.php?id=cqresrre2004050700&type=query&num=Broken+Families&
Rankin, H. Joseph and Wells, L. Edward. "Families and Delinquency: A Meta-Analysis of the Impact of Broken Homes." University of California Press. Social Problems, Vol. 38, No. 1, February 1991. April 4 2010. http://www.jstor.org/pss/800639
Temke, Mary W. May 2006. "The Effects of Divorce on Children". University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension. n. pag.
U.S. Divorce Statistics. 22 July 2008.
http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.html